Thursday, December 28, 2006

I'M SICK

Maybe there was a reason I felt so bad after Saturday's long run.

I always feel bad after long runs. Tired, achy, stiff. Did this feel a little worse? Maybe. So I rested and expected things to feel better. They didn't. It kept feeling worse.

Congestion, coughing, sore throat. It was difficult to sleep. Then sniffling and sneazing. I bought some cold medication which gave only a bit of relief. Monday night was the worst. I couldn't sleep at all. By 3 AM I thought that I'd lost the mechanism to fall asleep.

It was an easy decision not to run Tuesday morning. I went to work. Fortunately I had a light day and there were several cancellations. When clients did come, I had tremendous difficulty focusing on what they were saying. One young woman, in for her very first session, talked so softly that I could hardly hear her and I barely had the energy to concentrate on what she was saying.

I was SO pleased to get the message that my last appointment of the night wasn't coming. It meant I could leave much earlier. It was only when I got home that I remembered that I had a client right before him. My mind had gone woozy.

This was a rotten cold. Could it be more? I'd had a flu shot, but still.... My temperature had been normal when I'd taken it over the weekend. I took it again, expecting to see the marker at just under 98.6, my typical level. Then I could feel reassured. Nope. 99. I waited a bit and took it again. 99.5. Uh, oh. I tried it again. 100! Now I was worried that it was going up and up. I must be really sick, but just how bad? How high would my temperature go?

It leveled at 100.

The next morning I went to my doctor. I felt pretty awful. "The worst thing about feeling so sick," he said, "is feeling so sick. But we've got to get you well soon, don't we?" he added. "You've got a marathon soon."

I felt a flash of hope. Could I feel better quickly? "It's a week from Sunday," I replied.

"You're not going to make it," he replied, shaking my hope. "You'll feel better in a few days and you'll probably feel perfect by the marathon, but you'll be too weak to finish it and you'll risk a relapse."

Well, I wasn't going to comment because he hadn't even examined me. I'm sure I looked terrible, but let's see what the exam showed. After all, I'd taken my temperature before leaving home and it was back to normal.

He took my temperature. 99! Just coming to the appointment had given me a low grade fever.

The rest of the exam showed some congestion indicating either bronchitis or walking pneumonia. An x-ray showed a small amoung of lung congestion which made him decide to give me an antibiotic. Only the blood work will give a definitive diagnosis.

In addition to the antibiotic, he gave me some medication for the nasal congestion, something for the cough and recommended a humidifier, lots of Vitamin C and fluids. It felt nice to be taken care of.

When I got home (after buying the humidifier) I was pleased to discover that I'd regained my ability to fall asleep. I slept all afternoon on the couch. In bed for the night, I slept until 10 AM. I'm feeling much better now.

But it's upsetting to think about the marathon. All that work for nothing? On the other hand, this will allow me to get back more quickly to the shorter distance races I prefer. And then I feel so conflicted. I really miss the tension, the hope, the expectant feelings that comes with knowing that there is a big race soon. The race is at the center of my Disney World vacation. It makes me jumpy just to think of being there without taking part in the race. I'll feel like such an outsider to all the excitement.

So I start to think that I'm already feeling alot better! Perhaps if I keep improving, I could do a little run on Saturday and, if that's okay, my planned 10 miler for Sunday and if that's still okay, I'll be good to go for the marathon? I mean, this is a taper week anyway, so I didn't lose that much from my training. Doctors tend to be overly cautous afterall....

It's odd. Feeling as I do right now, I wouldn't even go to the doctor. In fact, I'd be debating whether or not to do my planned run. It's half mile intervals. If I hadn't been to the doctor yesterday I might compromise and decide to run but just an easy run without the speed intervals.

I could do it. But that would be crazy. Compulsive. Like running is the most important thing in the world and doing Disney is the most important thing about running. So I tell myself to settle down, relax and just get myself better.

And then I feel some depression coming on. This marathon is not the most important thing in the world to me but it has been one of my central focuses for months. So it's hard just to give it up. And in a way it feels arbitrary. If instead of "no way," my doctor had said "well, let's see how you feel next week, but I think it's possible..." it would all be different, wouldn't it?

No, of course not. The problem isn't in what he said but in what's going on inside me and the real risk that doing a marathon would lead to a relapse.

I recognize this. It's just hard to accept it. And when I do, it's a little depressing.

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