Relaxing makes me nervous. When I try...via meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, relaxation techniques...my head fills with all sorts of very active thoughts. I've run many races, batted in countless clutch situations, taken on multi problems, all in my mind as I've tried to relax. Soon I'm feeling a sense of urgency that is anything but soothing. I've got to stop this time wasting technique and get to doing...whatever! Till finally, just the thought of taking 10 minutes to relax seems overwhelming.
But the thought of rising blood pressure also makes me nervous. Both my parents have/had high blood pressure, so, genetically, my BP future doesn't look bright unless I somehow get hold of it. I don't want medication. Diet modification is part of it. So is, I've heard, relaxation. But I can't seem to do that, certainly not consistantly, alone.
I need a relaxation Personal Trainer.
I heard of a product called Resperate. It is a device that uses simple guided imagery and musical tones to slow breathing into what it calls the "theraputic zone" of less than 10 breathes per minute. This zone, it claims, relaxes the arterial system, easing blood flow and lowering blood pressure. Do this several times a week for 6 weeks or so and the accumulating theraputic effect becomes permanent. What's to lose by trying it? Three hundred dollars. No other risks that I can see.
It came yesterday and it was easy to hook up. And easy to get going. And simple to bring my breathing rate into the Theraputic Zone. And easy to maintain it well under 10. But still weird and unsettling to concentrate on Just Breathing.
So I looked at the dials. I sampled all the different musical prompts. I discovered all the various measurement scales. I followed time of exercise, time in Zone, rate of breathing. I wondered if this was counterproductive. I wondered if I was holding my breath too much at the end of the inhalation. Perhaps this was lowering my rate non theraputically? The total time was dragging. Could I possibly make it for the full term of 15 minutes? Would the usefulness be totally defeated if I didn't? Would it really matter if I did? Was I getting anxious? My breathing rate remained low and in the zone. Perhaps it didn't matter if I was anxious. But if it was all so problematic this time, how could I possibly hope to do it consistantly? What a waste of money this could be, and....
....The phone rang. I was glad. I answered it. I put the device away.
Today I tried it again. It was much easier. I got in the Zone, stayed, lower and lower in the Zone till my breathing rate was barely above 4 per minute. I didn't change the music or examine the other measurements. I closed my eyes, relaxed, breathed...and occassionally looked at the clock sitting across from me! It was soothing to watch the minute hand move out of the twenties and into the thirties. I was progressing through the alloted time and getting closer to the finish.
The phone didn't ring and I did my 15 minutes. Though I have a real race tomorrow morning I didn't preview it in my mind or start thinking about my time goals. I didn't run any fantasy races or take any imaginary at bats. I didn't do any errands or solve any problems.
It was nice, actually. Relaxing.
A start.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
Somethings wrong. Several things, actually. I don't like it. And I don't know why it's happening. Or what to do about it.
I had my physical last week. I used to look forward to them because I'd hear all the numbers that showed what great (or at least good) condition I'm in. Sometimes that's still true; sometimes not. Sometimes the numbers scare me. Elevated blood pressure. Elevated PSA. Elevated terror.
So I went apprehensively for the exam. I had no symptoms of any kind. Nothing bothered me and nothing hurt me and everything was functioning. On the other hand, my weight was up, so was my body fat and my running speed was down. I attributed all of that to my 3 weeks without any kind of training when I was ill in December and January. What would the doctor see and the tests show?
Most everything was fine. Some things were very good...resting heart rate of 45, lung test showing mine functioned like a 15 year old's! But the blood pressure was problematic...140/80. I was surprised that Marty (my doctor) said it was ok and not to worry. Body fat was over 18%. Not terrible, but certainly not great.
Then I got the blood results a few days later. Again, nothing bad. But my cholesterol is over 200...more than a 60 point jump. How could that happen!!!! True, my good cholesterol was up to 71, the best it's ever been, but how could the bad be so much higher? What a mystery! Marty wants to retest in 3 months.
And, on top of all this, the blood in stool test showed a positive (1 of the 3 times I did it, actually). That doesn't necessarily mean anything terrible, the results can be influenced by various factors. We were planning a sigmoidoscopy this year anyway (for colon cancer), so I just moved it up to next week. But anxiety about that till at least then.
Numbers, numbers. What do they even mean? They mean that I'm going in the wrong direction, I'd say. I'm unhappy about this. It feels out of my control. Arbitrary. Very unsettling. It makes me SO uneasy. Is it age? Should I just accept this deterioration as inevitable? Am I doing anything to foster it? Is there anything I can do to make this better?
I'm lazy. That's what it is. Not about everything, of course. I work out hard and, of late, my hard workouts are paying off as my speed increases, my weight comes down, my strength goes up and I just saw a body fat reading of 17% on my scale. But I am lazy in other ways.
I don't cook. I order out. Or go to restaurants. Or delis. I get good stuff there, but how good can it be? How much salt in the soups, fatty mayonaise in the tuna, sugar in the energy bars? Could these things hurt my blood pressure and cholesterol? Of course. Why do I allow it? Because I'd rather be doing other stuff than cooking and, later, cleaning.
I know I should try to relax. Seriously, I should. Yoga, meditation, deep breathing exercises, stretching. Something. But I don't. Why? Because it makes me jumpy to not be active. I have to force myself to close my eyes, suspend my thoughts, do nothing and...relax.
Sometimes I feel helpless and life is partly out of control. I must take hold of it and do what I can. Perhaps it is age and genetics. Perhaps it is only partly. Perhaps any attempts will be futile. I don't believe that, but maybe.
I've started to do some things. New cooking stuff, new steamer, new blender, new containers of oatmeal and wheat germ. Starting isn't the most difficult part, of course. The hardest is integrating it into my life and maintaining it, cause I've done it before. I've begun to cook. And clean up afterwards.
Will I be able to continue doing what I think is best for me? If I can't, then that is what's REALLY wrong with me.
I had my physical last week. I used to look forward to them because I'd hear all the numbers that showed what great (or at least good) condition I'm in. Sometimes that's still true; sometimes not. Sometimes the numbers scare me. Elevated blood pressure. Elevated PSA. Elevated terror.
So I went apprehensively for the exam. I had no symptoms of any kind. Nothing bothered me and nothing hurt me and everything was functioning. On the other hand, my weight was up, so was my body fat and my running speed was down. I attributed all of that to my 3 weeks without any kind of training when I was ill in December and January. What would the doctor see and the tests show?
Most everything was fine. Some things were very good...resting heart rate of 45, lung test showing mine functioned like a 15 year old's! But the blood pressure was problematic...140/80. I was surprised that Marty (my doctor) said it was ok and not to worry. Body fat was over 18%. Not terrible, but certainly not great.
Then I got the blood results a few days later. Again, nothing bad. But my cholesterol is over 200...more than a 60 point jump. How could that happen!!!! True, my good cholesterol was up to 71, the best it's ever been, but how could the bad be so much higher? What a mystery! Marty wants to retest in 3 months.
And, on top of all this, the blood in stool test showed a positive (1 of the 3 times I did it, actually). That doesn't necessarily mean anything terrible, the results can be influenced by various factors. We were planning a sigmoidoscopy this year anyway (for colon cancer), so I just moved it up to next week. But anxiety about that till at least then.
Numbers, numbers. What do they even mean? They mean that I'm going in the wrong direction, I'd say. I'm unhappy about this. It feels out of my control. Arbitrary. Very unsettling. It makes me SO uneasy. Is it age? Should I just accept this deterioration as inevitable? Am I doing anything to foster it? Is there anything I can do to make this better?
I'm lazy. That's what it is. Not about everything, of course. I work out hard and, of late, my hard workouts are paying off as my speed increases, my weight comes down, my strength goes up and I just saw a body fat reading of 17% on my scale. But I am lazy in other ways.
I don't cook. I order out. Or go to restaurants. Or delis. I get good stuff there, but how good can it be? How much salt in the soups, fatty mayonaise in the tuna, sugar in the energy bars? Could these things hurt my blood pressure and cholesterol? Of course. Why do I allow it? Because I'd rather be doing other stuff than cooking and, later, cleaning.
I know I should try to relax. Seriously, I should. Yoga, meditation, deep breathing exercises, stretching. Something. But I don't. Why? Because it makes me jumpy to not be active. I have to force myself to close my eyes, suspend my thoughts, do nothing and...relax.
Sometimes I feel helpless and life is partly out of control. I must take hold of it and do what I can. Perhaps it is age and genetics. Perhaps it is only partly. Perhaps any attempts will be futile. I don't believe that, but maybe.
I've started to do some things. New cooking stuff, new steamer, new blender, new containers of oatmeal and wheat germ. Starting isn't the most difficult part, of course. The hardest is integrating it into my life and maintaining it, cause I've done it before. I've begun to cook. And clean up afterwards.
Will I be able to continue doing what I think is best for me? If I can't, then that is what's REALLY wrong with me.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
SATISFACTION
I'm satisfied with today's race. I ran the 4-miler in 28:49, a 38 second improvement over 2 weeks ago, a performance that meets all the reasonable goals I set out yesterday.
And, as a bonus, I took third place honors out of 77 men in my age group. My time doesn't merit an award, of course, but it's still nice to get one!
The weather was reasonable and it was SO NICE to be running in shorts and singlet. I lined up near the front with many faster racers because it just doesn't pay to be further back. The bottlenecks at the start are getting worse and worse as NYRRC compresses us into smaller parts of the road, and they're having a growing impact on early pace. I want no part of that even if it means getting pulled out too fast...
...Which, of course, I was. My first two miles were just a bit over 7 minutes and I just can't sustain that pace...yet. Coach Bob went past me on the second mile but the other runners I was aware of remained comfortably behind. Mile 3 with the west side hills was too draining and my pace slowed. I had Bob in sight the whole way but I didn't have the necessary oomph to go after him. Or anyone else ahead of me. The final west side hill came at the start of mile 4 and that was even more depleting. I was able to speed up a bit on the downhills, however, and finished up okay. I wish I could brag about my final kick but I had none. I had all I could do to maintain my pace thru the finish.
I was happy when it was over. So pleased was I as I mulled it over that I forgot to run my 2 mile cooldown. No problem. I think I cool down better with a slow walk and an apple.
I didn't reach my unrealistic goals, but that's also okay. Soon they won't be unrealistic. :-))
And, as a bonus, I took third place honors out of 77 men in my age group. My time doesn't merit an award, of course, but it's still nice to get one!
The weather was reasonable and it was SO NICE to be running in shorts and singlet. I lined up near the front with many faster racers because it just doesn't pay to be further back. The bottlenecks at the start are getting worse and worse as NYRRC compresses us into smaller parts of the road, and they're having a growing impact on early pace. I want no part of that even if it means getting pulled out too fast...
...Which, of course, I was. My first two miles were just a bit over 7 minutes and I just can't sustain that pace...yet. Coach Bob went past me on the second mile but the other runners I was aware of remained comfortably behind. Mile 3 with the west side hills was too draining and my pace slowed. I had Bob in sight the whole way but I didn't have the necessary oomph to go after him. Or anyone else ahead of me. The final west side hill came at the start of mile 4 and that was even more depleting. I was able to speed up a bit on the downhills, however, and finished up okay. I wish I could brag about my final kick but I had none. I had all I could do to maintain my pace thru the finish.
I was happy when it was over. So pleased was I as I mulled it over that I forgot to run my 2 mile cooldown. No problem. I think I cool down better with a slow walk and an apple.
I didn't reach my unrealistic goals, but that's also okay. Soon they won't be unrealistic. :-))
Saturday, March 10, 2007
ANSWERING THE CURRENT CRUCIAL QUESTION
Tomorrow, I race again. This is the chance to answer my Current Crucial Question: Am I better now than I was 2 weeks ago?
Two weeks ago is when I had my last race. It was a 4-miler that I ran in the relatively slowpoke time of 29:27. To be fair to myself, running at all, and not getting hurt or reinjured was a nice step forward. But now my hopes are a little grander. The event tomorrow is another 4 mile race so I can see just how much 14 days of steady training has done for me. Last year I ran 27:29, my second fastest ever...and I beat that by 10 seconds 3 weeks later. Damn I was in good shape! Well, that's not happening tomorrow, but here is what I hope will:
1-Beat my last race of 29:27. Since weather conditions should be better, it would be pretty much of a disaster if I don't!
2-Break 29:00. It's just a number, but 28:59 seems far more than just 1 second better than 29:00. That's a 7:15 pace and should be doable.
3-Two years ago, I did 28:56...and took second place in my age group! The reason is that most everyone was doing that day's 15K race. Well, I can only hope that happens again. I'll be pleased to run faster even if I place far lower than second.
4-Run Even Faster. Running faster is always my goal. I doubt that I can do much better than the goals already noted, but, of course, I hope that I can and will. Sometimes I surprise myself and sometimes that's in a good way! So here's what I hope for, semi-fantasticly :
-Break 7:10 pace.
-Finish under 28:30.
-Approach 28 Flat.
-Beat 28 Minutes.
These range from very unlikely to virtually impossible unless there's a strong tail wind the entire time on a circular course. But, of course, still...
...We'll see what tomorrow brings!
Two weeks ago is when I had my last race. It was a 4-miler that I ran in the relatively slowpoke time of 29:27. To be fair to myself, running at all, and not getting hurt or reinjured was a nice step forward. But now my hopes are a little grander. The event tomorrow is another 4 mile race so I can see just how much 14 days of steady training has done for me. Last year I ran 27:29, my second fastest ever...and I beat that by 10 seconds 3 weeks later. Damn I was in good shape! Well, that's not happening tomorrow, but here is what I hope will:
1-Beat my last race of 29:27. Since weather conditions should be better, it would be pretty much of a disaster if I don't!
2-Break 29:00. It's just a number, but 28:59 seems far more than just 1 second better than 29:00. That's a 7:15 pace and should be doable.
3-Two years ago, I did 28:56...and took second place in my age group! The reason is that most everyone was doing that day's 15K race. Well, I can only hope that happens again. I'll be pleased to run faster even if I place far lower than second.
4-Run Even Faster. Running faster is always my goal. I doubt that I can do much better than the goals already noted, but, of course, I hope that I can and will. Sometimes I surprise myself and sometimes that's in a good way! So here's what I hope for, semi-fantasticly :
-Break 7:10 pace.
-Finish under 28:30.
-Approach 28 Flat.
-Beat 28 Minutes.
These range from very unlikely to virtually impossible unless there's a strong tail wind the entire time on a circular course. But, of course, still...
...We'll see what tomorrow brings!
Saturday, March 3, 2007
I RACED
Last week I raced.
I didn't get hurt. A week later and I'm still not hurt.
So that's the good news. In fact, that's the very good news. All that I could have hoped for, really, considering the training time I've missed.
My race time was not the good news, though it was about what I expected. It shows that I have a long way to go to get back to the speeds I was running last year at this time and during the summer of 2005. Not surprising, of course, but, on the other hand, it would have been nice to be surprised!
Lately there's been several reminders of areas in which I've fallen back. In the gym Wednesday afternoon, a trainer asked if I'd like to do a body fat measurement. He had a device that you grab with both hands. It looks like it works similarly to the scale I have at home which sends a mild electrical current through the body and measures resistance (muscle is more electrically resistant than fat or is it the other way?). Well, my scale hasn't been giving such wonderful readings and this test didn't either, showing my body fat at slightly above 20%. I know several reasons why this measurement is inexact, but it is similar to my recent scale readings so I guess I've blubbered up.
My weight, likewise, has increased. I've been up by about 7 or 8 pounds and fearful of trying on my usually tight jeans. I am down a bit from my peak, but definitely still heavier. My heart rate during runs also appears up and my resting heart rate, which I took the other morning also reads higher.
To top it off, I came, by chance, on a page in my running log where I'd written weight, body fat and resting heart rates over several days 18 months ago. It confirms that verything has moved in the wrong direction...as though I needed that black and white verification!!
Is it age? Laziness? Cumulative effects of the various illnesses and injuries? Evidence that everything I've thought was good and healthful is really not?
Humbling, no doubt. I see myself as an athlete who's in very good condition and none of this confirms that point of view. I'm most bothered by the body fat reading as I've been much more consistent with weight training since early January.
Softball is coming up and I'm aware of my declining abilities there. I no longer feel confident about my place in the starting lineup on my teams. Sports has a lot to do with how I feel about myself and all of this is difficult. I feel a constant degree of low level anxiety of late. I remind myself to relax and enjoy what I have, not pressure myself and to stay with the consistency of my efforts which has, of late, been quite good.
I ran 10 miles today. Nothing spectacular, but solid. I plan an easy 5 miler for tomorrow. Though I know that's the proper workout for me, there is a voice urging me to do a hard, speed run. I'm behind, I need to catch up, I should ignore recent injuries and aches and pains and push myself. Not too bright if I'd like to stay healthy, but an extra speed workout would help allay my anxiety about declining abilities...allay, that is, till I felt a twitch in my calf which fueled my fear of injury.
I'll keep up a steady effort and stay away from the prune scones that call to me from the cafe across the street from my gym. There's a 4 mile race next weekend and I'd like to run it faster than the race last week, faster than when I ran it 2 years ago and accept that there's no way I can even approach how well I did 12 months ago. Then I'll know something more and, hopefully, my confidence will get a boost.
Though of course there will be more to worry about in the next week.
I didn't get hurt. A week later and I'm still not hurt.
So that's the good news. In fact, that's the very good news. All that I could have hoped for, really, considering the training time I've missed.
My race time was not the good news, though it was about what I expected. It shows that I have a long way to go to get back to the speeds I was running last year at this time and during the summer of 2005. Not surprising, of course, but, on the other hand, it would have been nice to be surprised!
Lately there's been several reminders of areas in which I've fallen back. In the gym Wednesday afternoon, a trainer asked if I'd like to do a body fat measurement. He had a device that you grab with both hands. It looks like it works similarly to the scale I have at home which sends a mild electrical current through the body and measures resistance (muscle is more electrically resistant than fat or is it the other way?). Well, my scale hasn't been giving such wonderful readings and this test didn't either, showing my body fat at slightly above 20%. I know several reasons why this measurement is inexact, but it is similar to my recent scale readings so I guess I've blubbered up.
My weight, likewise, has increased. I've been up by about 7 or 8 pounds and fearful of trying on my usually tight jeans. I am down a bit from my peak, but definitely still heavier. My heart rate during runs also appears up and my resting heart rate, which I took the other morning also reads higher.
To top it off, I came, by chance, on a page in my running log where I'd written weight, body fat and resting heart rates over several days 18 months ago. It confirms that verything has moved in the wrong direction...as though I needed that black and white verification!!
Is it age? Laziness? Cumulative effects of the various illnesses and injuries? Evidence that everything I've thought was good and healthful is really not?
Humbling, no doubt. I see myself as an athlete who's in very good condition and none of this confirms that point of view. I'm most bothered by the body fat reading as I've been much more consistent with weight training since early January.
Softball is coming up and I'm aware of my declining abilities there. I no longer feel confident about my place in the starting lineup on my teams. Sports has a lot to do with how I feel about myself and all of this is difficult. I feel a constant degree of low level anxiety of late. I remind myself to relax and enjoy what I have, not pressure myself and to stay with the consistency of my efforts which has, of late, been quite good.
I ran 10 miles today. Nothing spectacular, but solid. I plan an easy 5 miler for tomorrow. Though I know that's the proper workout for me, there is a voice urging me to do a hard, speed run. I'm behind, I need to catch up, I should ignore recent injuries and aches and pains and push myself. Not too bright if I'd like to stay healthy, but an extra speed workout would help allay my anxiety about declining abilities...allay, that is, till I felt a twitch in my calf which fueled my fear of injury.
I'll keep up a steady effort and stay away from the prune scones that call to me from the cafe across the street from my gym. There's a 4 mile race next weekend and I'd like to run it faster than the race last week, faster than when I ran it 2 years ago and accept that there's no way I can even approach how well I did 12 months ago. Then I'll know something more and, hopefully, my confidence will get a boost.
Though of course there will be more to worry about in the next week.
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