WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

Somethings wrong. Several things, actually. I don't like it. And I don't know why it's happening. Or what to do about it.

I had my physical last week. I used to look forward to them because I'd hear all the numbers that showed what great (or at least good) condition I'm in. Sometimes that's still true; sometimes not. Sometimes the numbers scare me. Elevated blood pressure. Elevated PSA. Elevated terror.

So I went apprehensively for the exam. I had no symptoms of any kind. Nothing bothered me and nothing hurt me and everything was functioning. On the other hand, my weight was up, so was my body fat and my running speed was down. I attributed all of that to my 3 weeks without any kind of training when I was ill in December and January. What would the doctor see and the tests show?

Most everything was fine. Some things were very good...resting heart rate of 45, lung test showing mine functioned like a 15 year old's! But the blood pressure was problematic...140/80. I was surprised that Marty (my doctor) said it was ok and not to worry. Body fat was over 18%. Not terrible, but certainly not great.

Then I got the blood results a few days later. Again, nothing bad. But my cholesterol is over 200...more than a 60 point jump. How could that happen!!!! True, my good cholesterol was up to 71, the best it's ever been, but how could the bad be so much higher? What a mystery! Marty wants to retest in 3 months.

And, on top of all this, the blood in stool test showed a positive (1 of the 3 times I did it, actually). That doesn't necessarily mean anything terrible, the results can be influenced by various factors. We were planning a sigmoidoscopy this year anyway (for colon cancer), so I just moved it up to next week. But anxiety about that till at least then.

Numbers, numbers. What do they even mean? They mean that I'm going in the wrong direction, I'd say. I'm unhappy about this. It feels out of my control. Arbitrary. Very unsettling. It makes me SO uneasy. Is it age? Should I just accept this deterioration as inevitable? Am I doing anything to foster it? Is there anything I can do to make this better?

I'm lazy. That's what it is. Not about everything, of course. I work out hard and, of late, my hard workouts are paying off as my speed increases, my weight comes down, my strength goes up and I just saw a body fat reading of 17% on my scale. But I am lazy in other ways.

I don't cook. I order out. Or go to restaurants. Or delis. I get good stuff there, but how good can it be? How much salt in the soups, fatty mayonaise in the tuna, sugar in the energy bars? Could these things hurt my blood pressure and cholesterol? Of course. Why do I allow it? Because I'd rather be doing other stuff than cooking and, later, cleaning.

I know I should try to relax. Seriously, I should. Yoga, meditation, deep breathing exercises, stretching. Something. But I don't. Why? Because it makes me jumpy to not be active. I have to force myself to close my eyes, suspend my thoughts, do nothing and...relax.

Sometimes I feel helpless and life is partly out of control. I must take hold of it and do what I can. Perhaps it is age and genetics. Perhaps it is only partly. Perhaps any attempts will be futile. I don't believe that, but maybe.

I've started to do some things. New cooking stuff, new steamer, new blender, new containers of oatmeal and wheat germ. Starting isn't the most difficult part, of course. The hardest is integrating it into my life and maintaining it, cause I've done it before. I've begun to cook. And clean up afterwards.

Will I be able to continue doing what I think is best for me? If I can't, then that is what's REALLY wrong with me.