I RACED

Last week I raced.

I didn't get hurt. A week later and I'm still not hurt.

So that's the good news. In fact, that's the very good news. All that I could have hoped for, really, considering the training time I've missed.

My race time was not the good news, though it was about what I expected. It shows that I have a long way to go to get back to the speeds I was running last year at this time and during the summer of 2005. Not surprising, of course, but, on the other hand, it would have been nice to be surprised!

Lately there's been several reminders of areas in which I've fallen back. In the gym Wednesday afternoon, a trainer asked if I'd like to do a body fat measurement. He had a device that you grab with both hands. It looks like it works similarly to the scale I have at home which sends a mild electrical current through the body and measures resistance (muscle is more electrically resistant than fat or is it the other way?). Well, my scale hasn't been giving such wonderful readings and this test didn't either, showing my body fat at slightly above 20%. I know several reasons why this measurement is inexact, but it is similar to my recent scale readings so I guess I've blubbered up.

My weight, likewise, has increased. I've been up by about 7 or 8 pounds and fearful of trying on my usually tight jeans. I am down a bit from my peak, but definitely still heavier. My heart rate during runs also appears up and my resting heart rate, which I took the other morning also reads higher.

To top it off, I came, by chance, on a page in my running log where I'd written weight, body fat and resting heart rates over several days 18 months ago. It confirms that verything has moved in the wrong direction...as though I needed that black and white verification!!

Is it age? Laziness? Cumulative effects of the various illnesses and injuries? Evidence that everything I've thought was good and healthful is really not?

Humbling, no doubt. I see myself as an athlete who's in very good condition and none of this confirms that point of view. I'm most bothered by the body fat reading as I've been much more consistent with weight training since early January.

Softball is coming up and I'm aware of my declining abilities there. I no longer feel confident about my place in the starting lineup on my teams. Sports has a lot to do with how I feel about myself and all of this is difficult. I feel a constant degree of low level anxiety of late. I remind myself to relax and enjoy what I have, not pressure myself and to stay with the consistency of my efforts which has, of late, been quite good.

I ran 10 miles today. Nothing spectacular, but solid. I plan an easy 5 miler for tomorrow. Though I know that's the proper workout for me, there is a voice urging me to do a hard, speed run. I'm behind, I need to catch up, I should ignore recent injuries and aches and pains and push myself. Not too bright if I'd like to stay healthy, but an extra speed workout would help allay my anxiety about declining abilities...allay, that is, till I felt a twitch in my calf which fueled my fear of injury.

I'll keep up a steady effort and stay away from the prune scones that call to me from the cafe across the street from my gym. There's a 4 mile race next weekend and I'd like to run it faster than the race last week, faster than when I ran it 2 years ago and accept that there's no way I can even approach how well I did 12 months ago. Then I'll know something more and, hopefully, my confidence will get a boost.

Though of course there will be more to worry about in the next week.